I know comic books are a tremendous part of Green Onion’s Blog, but I don’t read much, really, not at all. My advisors said I should read the Bible and American Constitution but then I rented Finding Dory instead. Great movie, the best, watched it like a dozen times this week. Anyways, I figured I’m God- er, President- er, I mean resident blogger this week, I can do whatever I want! I decided to take you on an exclusive tour of my comic vault. One way I make The Green Onion Blog great again. Like I said, I don’t read, I just have like, a lot of money. I love bigly expensive things. Especially when it keeps it out of the hands of poorer, more passionate people that would actually appreciate these things. Suckers, I have the best money!
Let’s enter my vault. We have to pass the walls, I have the best walls!
First stop is my golden shower. Not comic related. I just love golden showers. I have a golden shower in like, every room I own. I have golden showers everywhere. I even had a golden shower at my best friends place in Russia. Nothing like a warm, bubbly golden shower. You have to try. I will pay you to come be a part of my golden showers. I have. I have paid lots of people to be involved in my golden showers. I love being inside a good golden shower, tremendous.
Next up is my ‘Richie Rich Room’. Big fan of Richie Rich. I’m pretty sure these books were written about my childhood. I have the worlds largest collection of everything Richie Rich. Such a handsome man, with the biggest hands. These books have such a great moral: money can buy everything!
Here is my dungeon! As soon as I make it legal, this is where I will keep mouthy writers and celebrities like John Scalzi, Dan Slott and Nick Spencer. There is a special room for Saturday Night Live and Hamilton cast members. And an even more great, special room for Maryl Streep.
Then we have what I call my “Locker Room”. Filled with massive collections of magazines of ‘adult’ content. Also, some of my favourite super heroine statues, (something about the way some of these women are drawn, great art) including a life size statue of Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, which I call ‘Ivanka’. I have a few personal photos in here, like of my daughters, my Russian best friend, and lots of pictures of myself. I love myself, like, lots. I have a lot of golden showers in here, too.
We then enter my “Toilet Paper Room” which is filled with the worlds most rare and expensive comic books. Like I said, I don’t read them or care about them at all. I like to crack them open and use them to light my cigars, wipe after the bathroom, or dry off after my golden showers. A few of my favourites to destroy are:
Detective Comics #27, worth $1.075mil
Amazing Fantasy #15, worth $1.1mil
Action Comics #1, worth $3.2mil
Next is my “Garage”. Full of Batmobiles, DeLoreans and other such pop culture vehicles. After the Iron Man movie I couldn’t let Tony Stark one-up me so I had my own working Iron Man suit built out of solid gold. The prize of my collection is Wonder Woman’s invisible jet. Mine is bigly better, you can’t even touch it or go inside, it’s like it’s not even there. I bought it for half a billion dollars from some sucker in a van.
Thanks booknerds, I think I will go have a golden shower now.