The world is becoming a scary place. Horrendous things are happening and the world is terrified. The worst part, we don’t even know that these things are happening or that we should be scared. It’s like they’re not even happening. Honestly, Sweden, I cannot even believe there are bad things happening there. Seriously, I can’t believe it. Last week I watched a press conference from Sean Spicer, or maybe it was Melissa McCarthy… it’s hard to separate the two, or remember which of the two comedians Donald Trump would hire as his press secretary. Take a look at the conference in question-
Frightening! Here’s a list of these unreported incidences and terrorist attacks-
- Attack on Orlanta
- Bowling Green Massacre, the real one. Not the Kellyanne one.
- Horror at Six Flags
- The Night They Drove Ol’ Dixie Down
- The one that shocks me the most! And I cannot believe the media is trying to hide this, The Slaughter at Fraggle Rock!
Shocking! My heart goes out to the Fraggle’s and Canada stands with you. In light of this new information I have decided it is time for The Green Onion Blog to stand up to these unbelievable attacks. If the media is not going to report this travesty, I will.
First off, I am shocked that such a high profile attack could go under our radar. There are three reasons that we should be concerned about the Slaughter at Fraggle Rock:
1. Some of the hardest working, blue collar members of our country call Fraggle Rock home, the Doozers. Everyday these hard hat wearing, work chanting, 4-inch tall, dedicated workers build edible, sugary, scaffolding so the Fraggle’s may eat something other than radishes.
2. There is royalty living in Fraggle Rock. The 15 feet tall family of hairy Gorgs that live on a farm just outside the Fraggle Rock caves are very important. Pa and Ma Gorg happen to be the King and Queen of the Universe!
3. Celebrities! There are some Fraggle’s that have become international celebrities with their own TV show, cartoon, action figures, and comic books. If something happened to an A-list name like Gobo Fraggle, Red Fraggle, Wembley Fraggle, Mokey Fraggle, or Boober Fraggle, how could they hide that information from us?
Well I did some in-depth research into The Slaughter at Fraggle Rock. Over the last week I have gone through hours and hours of video footage. Until finally I discovered the atrocity. I have to warn you, it’s worse than we thought. If you are squeamish or pregnant I warn you to read forward at your own risks. This is what I have found:
- On April 23, 1984, season 2 episode 17 of my video archives, there was a terror attack on Fraggle Rock. The attack was so aggressive and devastating it lead to the Fraggle Wars of ’84.
- On the morning of April 23, 1984, two popular Fraggle’s known as Red and Mokey headed out on an innocent camping trip deep into the Fraggle Caves. They were interrupted by a group of undiscovered Fraggles. Known as the Cave Fraggles.
- Cave Fraggles look like the Fraggles of the Rock, but are far less colourful, mostly brown and grey, and dress much less individually. Cave Fraggles are orderly, clean creatures. Worst of all, Cave Fraggles hate fun and games!
- On the morning of Red and Mokey’s camping trip, Mokey was captured and imprisoned by the Cave Fraggles. Red was lucky enough to slip away.
- Red Fraggle triumphantly returns to Fraggle Rock where she explains the attack to her people. The World’s Oldest Fraggle then decides to renew an age old battle and leads his people to war against the Cave Fraggles. Also, World’s Oldest Fraggle unveils ‘the weapon’.
- The Cave Fraggles catch wind of the plans of the Fraggles of the Rock and prepare their defences.
- Cave Fraggles and Rock Fraggles meet on the battlefield at dawn, because “that’s how these things are done.”
- As the battle is about to begin, Red Fraggle strikes The World’s Oldest Fraggle with a pie to the face!
- Rock Fraggles and Cave Fraggles break out into laughter, forgetting about their war all together. Enjoying the same humour both tribes realize that all Fraggles are the same.
- Mokey Fraggle is immediately released from imprisonment.
Despite the happy, positive finish and morals of the Fraggle Wars, we can never forget about this unwarranted attack. It is terrorist attacks like the Slaughter at Fraggle Rock that question the safety of everyone. How can anyone feel secure when even the Fraggles are not safe? What’s next, an attack on Bikini Bottom? A strike on Bedrock? Please keep Sesame Street safe.
Thanks booknerds, never forget.