The Slaughter at Fraggle Rock

The world is becoming a scary place.  Horrendous things are happening and the world is terrified.  The worst part, we don’t even know that these things are happening or that we should be scared.  It’s like they’re not even happening.  Honestly, Sweden, I cannot even believe there are bad things happening there.  Seriously, I can’t believe it.  Last week I watched a press conference from Sean Spicer, or maybe it was Melissa McCarthy… it’s hard to separate the two, or remember which of the two comedians Donald Trump would hire as his press secretary.  Take a look at the conference in question-

Frightening!  Here’s a list of these unreported incidences and terrorist attacks-

  • Attack on Orlanta
  • Bowling Green Massacre, the real one.  Not the Kellyanne one.
  • Horror at Six Flags
  • The Night They Drove Ol’ Dixie Down
  • The one that shocks me the most!  And I cannot believe the media is trying to hide this, The Slaughter at Fraggle Rock!

Shocking! My heart goes out to the Fraggle’s and Canada stands with you.  In light of this new information I have decided it is time for The Green Onion Blog to stand up to these unbelievable attacks.  If the media is not going to report this travesty, I will.

First off, I am shocked that such a high profile attack could go under our radar.  There are three reasons that we should be concerned about the Slaughter at Fraggle Rock:

1. Some of the hardest working, blue collar members of our country call Fraggle Rock home, the Doozers.  Everyday these hard hat wearing, work chanting, 4-inch tall, dedicated workers build edible, sugary, scaffolding so the Fraggle’s may eat something other than radishes.

2. There is royalty living in Fraggle Rock.  The 15 feet tall family of hairy Gorgs that live on a farm just outside the Fraggle Rock caves are very important.  Pa and Ma Gorg happen to be the King and Queen of the Universe!

3. Celebrities!  There are some Fraggle’s that have become international celebrities with their own TV show, cartoon, action figures, and comic books.  If something happened to an A-list name like Gobo Fraggle, Red Fraggle, Wembley Fraggle, Mokey Fraggle, or Boober Fraggle, how could they hide that information from us?

Well I did some in-depth research into The Slaughter at Fraggle Rock.  Over the last week I have gone through hours and hours of video footage.  Until finally I discovered the atrocity.  I have to warn you, it’s worse than we thought.  If you are squeamish or pregnant I warn you to read forward at your own risks.  This is what I have found:

  • On April 23, 1984, season 2 episode 17 of my video archives, there was a terror attack on Fraggle Rock.  The attack was so aggressive and devastating it lead to the Fraggle Wars of ’84.
  • On the morning of April 23, 1984, two popular Fraggle’s known as Red and Mokey headed out on an innocent camping trip deep into the Fraggle Caves.  They were interrupted by a group of undiscovered Fraggles.  Known as the Cave Fraggles.
  • Cave Fraggles look like the Fraggles of the Rock, but are far less colourful, mostly brown and grey, and dress much less individually.  Cave Fraggles are orderly, clean creatures.  Worst of all, Cave Fraggles hate fun and games!
  • On the morning of Red and Mokey’s camping trip, Mokey was captured and imprisoned by the Cave Fraggles.  Red was lucky enough to slip away.
  • Red Fraggle triumphantly returns to Fraggle Rock where she explains the attack to her people.  The World’s Oldest Fraggle then decides to renew an age old battle and leads his people to war against the Cave Fraggles.  Also, World’s Oldest Fraggle unveils ‘the weapon’.
  • The Cave Fraggles catch wind of the plans of the Fraggles of the Rock and prepare their defences.
  • Cave Fraggles and Rock Fraggles meet on the battlefield at dawn, because “that’s how these things are done.”
  • As the battle is about to begin, Red Fraggle strikes The World’s Oldest Fraggle with a pie to the face!
  • Rock Fraggles and Cave Fraggles break out into laughter, forgetting about their war all together.  Enjoying the same humour both tribes realize that all Fraggles are the same.
  • Mokey Fraggle is immediately released from imprisonment.

Despite the happy, positive finish and morals of the Fraggle Wars, we can never forget about this unwarranted attack.  It is terrorist attacks like the Slaughter at Fraggle Rock that question the safety of everyone.  How can anyone feel secure when even the Fraggles are not safe?  What’s next, an attack on Bikini Bottom?  A strike on Bedrock?  Please keep Sesame Street safe.

Thanks booknerds, never forget.

24 Comments Add yours

  1. rashthedoctor says:

    Rock Fraggles need a wall , a big wall , and they should make Cave Fraggles pay for it

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Green Onion says:

      That would be the best wall!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lmao! Wonderful post! To those we’ve lost, I bow my head.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rob Wantz says:

    I bet it was Marjory the Trash Heap that set this all up. She was secretly made from the trash of 666 of the world’s worse people…like a Muppet version of S#!thead from Wanted.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      Really!?! I always thought she was the Oracle from The Matrix or Madame Web in disguise

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rob Wantz says:

        LOL….those are alternative facts to hide the truth of her pure evil

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Green Onion says:

        Ugh, FAKE NEWS gets me again

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Rob Wantz says:

        My friend everything is FAKE NEWS unless it comes from Trump.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Green Onion says:

        Or Red Onion, those guys are suspiciously tight

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Rob Wantz says:

        I was gonna mention that Red Onion dude…but I got scared typing it and deleted it real quick.

        Like

      6. Green Onion says:

        Too true. I almost let him do this post, but that would be terrifying

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Green Onion says:

    Remember, remember the 23rd of April 1984. Lest we forget

    Like

  5. As sad as it was to read, this was a good post. Thanks for bringing this unfortunate event to our attention. Sharing is caring!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      You know, if the media is not gonna tell us the truth its important we keep eachother informed. You’ll be happy to know, I checked back in with after the Fraggle Wars and everything seems to be forgotten, they moved on. Although, Boober is short on radishes for his radish consumme. Maybe we should send rations

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, yes! Everyone has a right to know. Prepare the radishes with mini parachutes to be dropped over Boober.

        Like

  6. Laura Beth says:

    This post is gold. Thanks for sharing! I’m in full support of protecting Sesame Street with my life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Green Onion says:

      Keep our Sesame Streets safe!

      Like

  7. You my friend are toooooo damn funny. Absolutely brilliant!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I took a break from grading to catch-up on some blog posts. This totally made my night. Hahaha, now I’m ready to jump back into reflection papers. Thanks for your willingness to report the hard crimes no one else will touch. I loved this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      Somebody has to do it, Michael. Somebody has to do it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I rest easier knowing you’re the one who’s taken up the challenge. Our world is in safer hands because of it.

        Liked by 1 person

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