I don’t know if you have seen this Craigslist ad from ‘Gordie’ yet. It is pretty funny, creepy, beyond disturbing, but funny. Essentially, ‘Gordie’ is a 56-year-old male who has left his wife and his amazing job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation. Who would give up a sweet gig at Soup Plantation you ask? ‘Gordie’, that’s who. Newly divorced, 9 years away from retirement ‘Gordie’. In an attempt to shake life up, and get away from the 7am conference calls, ‘Gordie’ has dedicated this new beginning to “having fun!” Subsequently drowning out his bank accounts, hitting the road in his Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100, and purchasing VIP tickets to Coachella. Sounds okay so far right? A man facing the end of life, doing what he likes, and going where his heart takes him. But, this is where things get creepy…
‘Gordie’, is looking for a travelling ‘companion’, in exchange for a free, all expense paid trip to Coachella. And, not just any ‘companion’ will do for ‘Gordie’. No, ‘Gordie’ has a 20-point list of expectations for said ‘companion’. I, personally feel uncomfortable writing these points out, so what I will do is attach the ad for you to take a gander. But, some of the highlights include: being willing to stay with ‘Gordie’ in his seedy Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 camper, being a female between 19 and 25 with a “cute Indian headband”, and having fingernails/toenails painted to match the outfit. Okay… that’s a little weird ‘Gordie’. The list gets a little more sketchy when he requests that all personal grooming must be done in front of him, including clipping toenails… And stranger yet, ‘Gordie’ requests to brush his ‘companions’ hair once per day, allow him “periodic times of extended eye contact”, and that his ‘companion’ must not “fraternize with other male festival-goers”. And then, if that was not enough creep-out ‘Gordie’ supplies a script of things his ‘companion’ must say; twice during the festival she must tell him that he is “naughty”, and at another point she must admit, of her own fruition or not, that she “didn’t know how this would go, but she is actually having a really good time.” Really ‘Gordie’!? The list goes on with demands of pictures posted on Instagram, and “cute messages written on the bathroom mirror.”
Well, I sincerely hope that no young female falls into this creeps reach, at risk of him collecting all of her toenail clippings, eyebrow pluckings, or much worse. He does supply snacks of beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches, so that’s good, but c’mon ‘Gordo’ you didn’t scoop up some of that soup before you left your rad Soup Plantation gig.
Despite ‘naughty Gordie’s’ shameless, distasteful, and often horrifying demands, he did give me an idea. Thus, I am offering to pay for a ticket to San Diego Comic Con, for the right person. I also have a 20-point list of demands, and if anyone fits the bill, let’s do this thing-
- I will pay for the ticket, but budgets tight so… my ‘companion’ must pay for my travel expenses, hotel costs, and also maybe a bit of spending money…?
- Female or male is cool. Age, I don’t care. Really I’ll accept anybody but ‘Gordie’.
- I’m kind of an introvert so I don’t really want to talk much, or at all.
- I will provide snacks like Goldfish crackers, Peanut Butter M&M’s, or whatever they give me on the airplane, but if you have any additional snacks, big bonus.
- During the Con you must dress as the Green Onion (as seen in my avatar) with advertisement for greenonionblog.com plastered all over you. Possibly a tattoo; negotiable.
- Personal grooming must be done out of my presence. (‘Gordie’ you’re gross)
- Fraternizing with other writers is okay, but you must tell them all “you know who’s a really great writer? Green Onion!”
- On the first day, if you could pass out some green onions with my business card attached, that be great. Also, I don’t have any business cards so you will have to get some printed out.
- If we see Alissa Milano, do not, I repeat do not mention my childhood crush.
- If we see Jared Leto… I don’t even know, you have to try something to make sure he never plays Joker ever again. You have to! For the sake of us all, you have to try.
- You must wait in all the autograph lineups I want, and text me when you are like 4 or 5 people away so I can hop in your spot.
- If my legs get tired it would be great if you could ‘piggy-back’ me around.
- You should hand out chimichangas to any Deadpool cosplayers we see.
- After each day, you must take me for a slice and an ice cream cone.
- When I am in a conversation with anybody, you should stand behind me and obnoxiously laugh at all my jokes, plus a couple non-jokes.
- Carry a water bottle or Camelbak and systematically spray water in my mouth to keep me hydrated. Additionally, if its hot and I begin to sweat, wipe my brow off for me.
- Is there a Tim Horton’s in San Diego? I would like to be woken each morning with an XL double-double dark roast, and a breakfast bagel.
- Oh! Could we go to Disneyland too? And the zoo!?
- No touching or anything. I will allow a total of three ‘high fives’, two ‘fist bumps’ and one half ‘bro-hug’ at the end of the trip. And notes on the mirror after showers are okay, that was a pretty cute idea ‘Gordie’.
- Make certain I have fun!
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. If you think you’re the one, let me know and we can have a great time together!