Green Onion Does Fashion

Nordstrom, the clothing store that I am afraid will take all my money if I walk past it.  The store I cant even enter because my tax bracket is too low.  Nordstrom, #3 on Trump’s terrorist hit list behind Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Canadian dairy farmers, has released their new line of expensive dirty clothing.  For a day or two of works wage you can purchase the Nordstrom muddy jeans.  Which are exactly as they sound.  A pair of jeans that look like you wore them for three days straight at a music festival.  Going off of a new theme that skips over the ripping holes in your expensive new pants so your knees can stay cool feel, and goes for the “I rolled around in dog poo” look.  Have a look at the new style here.

The jeans simulate the appearance that you have done some hard physical labour without straining anything but your wallet.  Thousands of millennials have already made the treacherous climb away from their computers and faced horrors like fresh air and human socialization to obtain these jeans.  All so that they can take a selfie and post it on their Tinder. To add to the lies that not only are they deep, animal loving, lives of the party, that are sensitive and happen to be passionate about all the same things you are all of a sudden, but also they work really hard now too. “Like so hard, just look at how dirty my jeans are.”

And you know what?

I love it!  No longer do I have to feel bad about wearing the same pants for a week straight.  Heck, even if I do get my pants dirty or stained, I don’t ever have to change.  I’m going to do my part for the planet and stop washing my clothes all together.  If dirty is cool I would have been the man in those awkward couple years after high school where I didn’t give a care about anything.  Thank you hipsters, first you made it okay to stop shaving entirely, then let me stop wasting time on contact lenses, and now this!  I don’t have to even try and look presentable anymore.  You have made being lazy completely acceptable, and fashionable at the same time.  For that, I am in great debt to you hipsters, I missed grunge for a long time.

So, I figured, I got this.  If muddy, unwashed pants are cool, than I can do fashion.  Because I am all for this doing less and being lazy is the ‘it’ thing.  I am going to throw a few suggestions out there and hopefully they catch on.  Ready?…

1. The ‘sure, I sat in gum but these are my most comfortable’ pants

I’ve lost a couple good pairs of pants due to something sticky stuck to the back of them.  I certainly don’t want to clean that up, I don’t want to throw them out and have to go buy a new pair and break them in all over again.  Can Levi’s just make jeans with gum already on the butt so I can keep my $40 comfy pants?  And ladies, you can throw some gum in your hair to add to the look.

2. Old, worn out shoes

I have size 13 shoes, it is tough to find a good pair of kicks.  And shoes can get dang expensive.  If shoe companies started releasing shoes that look like you wore them all year and they were starting to fall apart, than we could just wear shoes all year until they started falling apart.  It would save us all a lot of time, money and effort.  Plus, we wouldn’t have to work in those new kicks and avoid the new shoe blisters.

3. The ‘I was tired and clumsy this morning and spilled coffee all over myself’ look

If this was a fashionable statement than on the mornings that this actually happened to us we wouldn’t have to worry… Yeah, we should just all agree on that.  Because you were already tired, that’s why you spilled the coffee.  The last thing you want to do is go change again.  Just go rock it for the day.  For something really trendy try the ‘I spilled my Unicorn Frappicino’ look.

4. Mom pants

No, I am not talking about the hide your belly button, give yourself a wedgie, pull them so high the bottoms don’t cover your socks anymore pants that seem to be popular.  Cause those just look silly and highly uncomfortable, stop wearing those.  I’m talking real mom pants.  With sticky handprints, kid boogers wiped off on them, a little paint from last nights crafts, and an old Cheerio stuck to the pant leg.  Because children are gross, and enough work as it is.

5. Pajama pants

Let’s just make it socially acceptable to show up at a business meeting, or go to the bar in pajama pants.  We wouldn’t even have to get dressed in the morning anymore.  We would be constantly comfortable and ready for a nap anywhere, anytime.  That’s my dream, a whole city of people just rocking their pajama pants.  And I know you agree with me.

6. Napkin pants

They are basically just regular pants but now it is okay to wipe your hands off on them.  Like for example; you’re enjoying some buffalo chicken wings but your out of napkins.  Just wipe it off on your pants because everybody has greasy finger streaks on the front of their pants now.  The look will cost $150 at Lululemon, but then you are free to wipe whatever crud you want off on them.  Plus, you will always have a napkin.  Smart.

7. The ‘I don’t even know what that is’ look

Ever have a stain, or some piece of food just randomly show up on your shirt, and you’re like ‘I don’t even know what that is or how it got there’?  Yeah, we all have, and it should be the hottest new trend in Paris.

8. The ‘I haven’t washed this once since I bought it’ hoodie

I like having my favourite sweater available to me whenever I need it.  I don’t have time to waste washing it anymore.  If they could start printing hoodies that have multiple stains and a collection of smells I would never have to risk shrinking my best sweaters again.

9. The ‘walk of shame’ look

Ladies, you ever wake up the morning after a good night with your hair a mess, your make up running and your clothes dishevelled.  Well, if you all agreed to start your night, and head to the club looking like that in the first place, than you would just look cooler in the morning as you climb into a cab reeking like 2am McDonalds.

10. Plumber pants

Oh, yes.  Forget belts or pants that fit entirely.  Let’s make a sneak peak at hairy man butt the next sexy thing.  It’s time us men got to show off a little bit of skin and flaunt our cleavage.  We could just let it all hang out and no longer be restricted by waist bands or waste our time looping silly belts.

Thanks booknerds, you are free to use these brilliant ideas, but I expect some sort of royalty.


32 Comments Add yours

  1. Esther says:

    Humorous 😊
    Life would certainly be easier if all of that were to be in place, and well…scary

    Liked by 2 people

  2. F#cking hell this post is awesome, really cracked me up, smiled all the way through, quality!😂😀👊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. LizScanlon says:

    This truly is a quality post!
    I have to say though, I come across nr 10 quite often… funny thing is, while the hairy cracks are being revealed, it always makes me wonder why these fellas even bother putting a belt on?!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Green Onion says:

      It’s fashion now. Also, I will be burning my belt in front of the university tomorrow

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LizScanlon says:

        Make sure you wear the nappy pants, the plumber way 😉 you’ll be the starter of the trend!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. TeacherofYA says:

    Love the new fashion ideas!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Green Onion says:

      Thanks, does that mean you will be buying my new gum-pants line?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. TeacherofYA says:

        Yup! I already have a faux pair until the designer ones come in stock! 😂😜

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Every time I think you can’t one up yourself something like this happens. This is brilliant. A new fashionista is born! I wish I’d read this a week earlier. I would have known to look for your latest designs when I was in Milan!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Green Onion says:

      For sure. From now on you can look out for my ‘do the minimal amount of things today’ line, everywhere

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Rob Wantz says:

    Wow, these look like my jeans except I have mud (yeah, mud) on the seat. I usually wear them after eating Taco Bell.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      Chocolate pudding pants!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rob Wantz says:

        Bill Cosby’s favorite…well until he turned to pills to get people to like him

        Liked by 1 person

  7. You are after my own heart with no. 4. I laughed so hard. My daughter wears those stupid “mom” jeans. I make fun of her relentlessly without shame!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      Those mom jeans are the worst. I make fun of my 17 year old niece every time I see her

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good! I keep hoping that if we tease the kids enough, they will go back to where they came from (the jeans that is) 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Green Onion says:

        Whatever we do we cant let it become normalised

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Christy Luis says:

    Now this is fashion I can get behind! Does this mean no more 25$ haircuts!?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      Cut your own hair! Lets bring back the bowl cut!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Zezee says:

    Omg! I thought that was a late April Fool’s joke. I can’t believe people are buying those jeans.
    Btw, that walk of shame look could catch on. I think it could be popular.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      I think so right? Some of the girls already look like that with the amount of make up they put on. Im crossing my fingers for napkin pants though


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