Red Onion Review: The Star Wars

Sorry to all of my amazing fans, the best fans, that I haven’t been around for a bigly time.  The last 100 days or so have been tremendously busy.  I’ve been doing lots of golf, watching movies, and causing general controversy.  Very important.  Really, really important.  My handicap has dropped a couple points in the last couple months.  

When Green- great guy, good friend- asked me if I would like to do a guest post for May the 4th, I thought, bigly yes!  Everybody needs my opinion shoved down their faces more.  I knew Green would come crawling back, he’s been tapping my phone, and his numbers have been terrible, worst in years, he needs my millions of fans, best fans.  I guess today is a special day- mostly because the crowds are paid to celebrate it.  So, Green has asked me to review The Star Wars.

The Star Wars came out in ’77, and my daddy had a private screening for me in my private golden theatre.  I don’t really remember it.  I do remember the cake I was eating though.  It was the best cake, tremendous.  The most delicious cake you have ever seen.  It was ten inches high, the biggest cake, like a wall of cake.  There was 4 layers of moist delicious cake, the type that gets stuck to your fingers if you touch it, tremendous stuff.  There was layer after layer of the best ganache you have ever tasted.  Decorated with little marzipan sculptures of my face, pressed in gold flakes.  I remember something blowing up in The Star Wars video-film or something, but that cake!

This is my understanding of The Star Wars: there’s a group of dangerous hombres, religious terrorists, the worst people.  They have zero respect for authority, great authority, the best authority.  Love the Empire.  I live by the same philosophies as the Empire, everybody should be in the same white outfit, and do what they are told.  Some farmer kid is forced to join these terrorists, being brainwashed by some old man.  They join up with some drug smugglers, keep these guys out of my country.  And together they go and kill, like, billions of hard working, blue collar imperialists.

I hate The Star Wars!  It’s propaganda.  Fake news.  The Empire was great, the best.  They kept everyone in line with their Deathmoon.  Love the Deathmoon.  Getting one built myself, the people of Yavin 4 are paying for it.  These “rebels” are nothing but a bunch of radicals that hate the Imperial dream, they want to take it from you.  If I was Dark Vader in The Star Wars I would take my Deathmoon and blow up so many planets, all the planets.  I would blow up so many planets-

Let’s wrap this up I have a golf course to get to.  The Star Wars is terrible, FAKE NEWS, I miss the Empire.  Blowing up that Deathmoon was such a waste of money.  I give that chocolate cake 5 out of 5.  The cake was tremendous, and the frosting was bigly good.  I would recommend that cake to everyone.  Of course you cant have any because it’s my cake.  My chef, my cake, and you couldn’t afford it.  Final thoughts: I like cake.

Thanks millions and millions of fans, I have decided to make May the 4th a special day, Cake day!  May the cake be with you!


8 Comments Add yours

  1. rashthedoctor says:

    Well didn’t expect Red’s return … welcome back , i guess?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      The people get what they want!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Red!!!! Nice to see ya!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Green Onion says:

      Of course it is!

      Liked by 1 person

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