News came out earlier on some of the legislations choices on modernizing Canada’s justice system. In an attempt to weed out some of Canada’s dated laws, some proposed repeals were made. Meaning, they are taking out some laws that date back to over a century ago. First, I am very excited that it will be legal to fraudulently pretend to practice witchcraft, I needed that. More importantly though, they have decided to drop the laws on challenging someone to a duel. Apparently, they think we are too mature to settle disagreements with an old school duel. Obviously, when thinking us mature they forgot about Tom Green. Polite? Yes. Hard working? Yes. Hockey loving poutine eaters? Big time. Mature? Oh no. Dueling is back in Canada, baby! Soon we will be smoking a bunch of pot and pulling out swords!
Anyways, if this all goes through, I have a few duels that I would really like to see go down…
10. Sidney Crosby vs. P.K. Subban
With the current Stanley Cup Finals match happening some heat and traction has occurred between these two all-stars. Most recently, last night with Crosby crossing a line again and obnoxiously rubbing his fist in P.K.’s face. So, forget the hockey boys, swing on up north of the border and settle this the new-old Canadian way… hmm? Are duels allowed during a hockey game?
9. Bryan Adams vs. Celine Dion
There simply is no room for these two anymore. I mean much appreciation to Las Vegas for taking Celine off of our hands, however this has to be settled once and for all.
8. Sidney Crosby vs Connor McDavid
This is under the impression that Sidney survives his beating by P.K. Subban. But obviously the whiner is getting pretty jealous of the new kid in town. Instead of letting this play out over time, stats, and awards lets just settle this with the new Canadian tradition.
7. Tegan vs Sara
No, I don’t really want to see either of these talented women die. I just want to see Canada’s favourite twins go at it for a bit. I mean honestly, they can’t be getting along all the time. Between musical differences and being on the road together all the time, they have to have their tiffs. Duel it out ladies! But not all the way, you can hug it out after a few good jabs.
6. Ryan Gosling vs Justin Trudeau
Who will be Canada’s sexiest man? Who will the ladies be cheering for? Can the dork from Breaker High take out the Prime Minister/Gym Teacher? Find out on CBC’s new Friday night special, Dueling Night in Canada!
5. Tragically Hip vs Barenaked Ladies
Put it to a brawl! We can no longer have two b-class rock groups with distinct sounds that don’t blend with anything else. There can only be one.
4. Alanis Morissette vs Avril Lavigne
Finally the debate can end. Which of these ladies will forever be remembered as Canada’s favourite angsty teenage daughter? I give it to Alanis, I mean she did play God in Dogma.
3. Chad Kroeger vs Justin Bieber
This is win-win. Any way this ends, Canada will be rid of an ugly blemish to our reputation. Ideally this ends with both of them out of commission.
2. Hayden Christensen vs William Shatner
Star Wars vs Star Trek: Canada style! Anakin Skywalker vs that captain guy from the other franchise. At least Hayden can stop picking on little kids and face an elderly man instead.
1. David Suzuki vs Wayne Gretzky
This one is more for me. When this one is over I can finally say definitively which icon is my all time favourite Canadian. Besides, both of them are lucky that Scott Pilgrim is a fictional character. Scott Pilgrim vs Wayne Gretzky sounds like the greatest graphic novel in Canadian history though. Someone call Bryan Lee O’Malley!