Last week I received a dandy of a surprise. Unexpectedly, blogger, Star Wars enthusiast, and lightsaber designer, For Tyeth shared a new post with a new saber design just for me. Apparently, my constant mention of a dream to have a working lightsaber had inspired him to create one in my honour. And boy, was I honoured. For Tyeth had taken into account my culinary background and designed the blade inspired by Japanese Gyuto knives. Which was a bit of a mind blower, as I have never shared my affliction for Japanese style steel and happen to have a Gyuto for daily use. Let’s have a look at it already!
What a thing of beauty. I mean he did an amazing job of encapsulating my personality and style. Impressive considering all For Tyeth knows of me is through what is shared on this blog. It literally looks like a green onion turned saber. Genius. For Tyeth has many brilliant creations all worth checking out, make sure you snoop around a bit on his site and check out his sweet designs.
This also had a negative impact on driving my intense desire to have a lightsaber of my own. I mean, now I can visualize exactly what my lightsaber would look like. How could I not want this to be a reality? This got me thinking. I am no Jedi. I am not trained to handle a weapon of this kind of power. I don’t have any Sith overlords to battle. But, I do want it still. So, what the heck would I actually do with this thing? Which leads us to this post. Here are ten things that I would do with my lightsaber should it become a real working tool-
10. Open cans, jars, and other packaging
Essentially, my lightsaber would forever replace can openers and scissors. Every time something in my home would need opening is another opportunity to light up my blade. It may be a bit of overkill to open a can of soup or box of cereal; it may destroy the jar of peanut butter from further use but, so worth it.
Have some hedges that need a trim? Or, an old tree ready to be taken down? Hire Green Onion and his amazing landscaping lightsaber! Green Onion and his lightsaber can help make picking apples a breeze! He can even cut your grass with his patented scythe technique. When you trim your weeds by lightsaber, they’ll be too scared to grow back!
8. Multi-purpose camping tool
A lightsaber is the ultimate camping tool. Not only will it chop wood into whatever size and shape you desire, but it’ll also light the fire. At night I could use it as a lantern or flashlight. I wouldn’t need to be scared about grizzlies, I could easily chop an aggressive paw off if I needed to. Fishing by lightsaber could be a fun experience. Basically, all I need is me and my lightsaber, and we could live in the wild indefinitely.
7. Put holes in… stuff
I would need to test out flashing my saber through things. You know, stuff that needs holes. Like… umm. Okay, let’s say I’m enjoying a nice summer picnic. But, uh oh, the sun is too bright. Blllrrrzzzrrrk, I cut an instant hole into the picnic table, and I can set up a nice shady umbrella. You never know when you need a good hole.
6. The toasting method
Can a lightsaber actually toast bread as you cut it? I’m going to find out. That’s for certain.
5. Classic Star Wars poses
Probably the first thing I would do when receiving my new lightsaber is hold it high above my head with both arms. I wonder if I could convince my girlfriend to lay down at my feet to recreate the classic Luke and Leia movie poster. I would also need to scream “I have the power!” He-Man style. Pretty much every classic pose of hero and sword will be recreated by me and my lightsaber.
4. Probably a bit of vandalism and graffiti
It is inevitable. I would like to say I would be a responsible lightsaber owner. However, the temptation would be strong. Eventually, I would succumb and write my name in a field of grass or a concrete wall.
What happens when I point at a lightsaber with a laser pointer? Can I warm up my coffee by lightsaber? If I cut something straight on, does the whole thing go through or will it stop at the hilt? Can I cook all my food by lightsaber? These are just a few of the scientific experiments I will be performing. Very scientific.
2. Point at things
At the grocery store:
“Excuse me, sir, do you know where the artichokes are?”
Me: *bllllzzzzrrk* “Over that way, my good sir.”
Me: “Zyler, can you pass me the remote control?”
Z: “Where is it, Dad?”
1. Show it off and make everybody super jealous of my sweet real-life working lightsaber that works and is mine
Oh yes, everyone I ever meet ever will know that I have a lightsaber. I’d be like a vegan about it, every comment I ever made would start with “As a lightsaber owner…” My business card would say ‘Owner of a lightsaber’ under my name. The Sunday Mise en Place would get a whole new section titled: Things I Did with My Lightsaber This Week. Every Christmas, till I die, my children will roll their eyes as I open presents and carve the turkey by lightsaber. That bad boy is going everywhere and doing everything with me, forever.
Thanks, booknerds and a special thank you to For Tyeth and his wonderful design.