Well before Halloween hits us with full force, I thought it would be fun to take a look at some of the scariest, creepiest, most evil things our planet has to offer. Maybe give some costume ideas, or something just to give you the thrill of the scare. Well here we go, what are some of the things that scare us the most…
Honorable Mention: Spiders
In a US study on phobias and fears the National Institute discovered 30.5% of the US population is haunted with arachnophobia, third behind public speaking and death. This is in fact a lie, the study was contrived by spiders in an attempt to make the fear of them seem irrational. It turns out that 100% of the human population is in fact terrified by arachnids, those who claimed not to be scared were in actuality spiders themselves.
Around 65 million years ago, after the dawn of man, there was a council held by all of nature. It was decided at this secret meeting that dinosaurs were in fact not terrifying enough, and thus spiders were created to be the scariest looking little creeps. The spiders then killed and ate all of the dinosaurs to extinction and continue to torment man to this day.
As you read this, and at any given time, there is a spider ready to pounce on you. For every one spider you see, there are seven creeping up behind you, thirteen hiding somewhere in your bed, thirty eight climbing on the ceiling, a couple hundred watching you from the shadows and one on your person.
There is no such thing as a ‘small’ spider. Spiders have the ability to change their dimensions by will, meaning that they can grow as small or as big as they like. They choose to be small so best to sneak around and creep up on you. If you are ever caught alone, cornered by a spider it will grow large enough to eat you whole.
Spiders cannot be killed. After mad scientist Dr. Maddy McScientist genetically altered arachnids back in the 30’s, spiders have been able to survive in water, on mountain tops and in the vacuum of space. When a spider is crushed, destroyed, or flushed, it is just pretending to be dead to lure you into a false sense of security. The only safe thing to do if you discover a spider in your home is to burn your house to the ground and move 1000’s of km’s away, minimum. Sources say that the lost city of Pompeii was no accident, but after a spider infestation was discovered the only rational thing to do was set off the nearest volcano. Spiders still survived.
Orcs, Goblins, Dwarves, Elves, Dragons, and Hobbits are all extinct due to spiders. After the collapse of Mordor, spiders swarmed all of Middle Earth in a murderous rampage. Leaving only humans with the disturbing images to haunt them for an entire existence. Also they killed the black rhinos… and dodos… and your neighbors missing cat, oh and griffons. Mermaids! Cthulu! Everything! Spiders killed everything.
Spiders can be found on every continent except for Antarctica, where their secret underground layer is yet to be discovered. From this evil hideout they slowly control and manipulate the worlds economy, politics, and culture. Author E.B. White was uncovered by Wikileaks to actually be a spider. Showing that children’s book Charlotte’s Web was contrived by mans worst enemy to make spiders more friendly to our fresh little younglings.
The word spider has origins in ancient Arabic, translated directly to English as: ‘dirty, little evil creeps, sent to torture all that is good and right in the world, not giving one care whose day they mess up, as they trump all over everything with an angry and dark spirit.’ More or less.
Spiders actually come from space. In 1998 a space exploration was put together featuring a crew of the most pretty actors that budget could afford, Matt LeBlanc, Heather Graham, a robot, Lacey Chathbert, Gary Oldman, and others. Unfortunately their ship was lost in space, where they discovered an ancient colony of spiders, and one explorer was even turned into a giant arachnid.
It is just a rumour that spiders will crawl into your mouth while sleeping, that is silly. In fact, at night a spider will crawl onto your head, bite and inject you with poison. The poison will then seep into your brain causing deep subconscious hallucinations, also known as a nightmare. Thus, spiders are the things nightmares are made from.
Franklin D. Roosevelt’s famous speech ‘the only thing to fear is fear itself’ is actually misquoted. The quote in true form states ‘the only thing to fear is nasty little spiders’, as Roosevelt, like everyone else, knows: fear equals spiders. Everything that people are afraid of is actually spiders. Clowns are just a collective of spiders, snakes are just spiders in disguise, the dark=spiders, thunder=spiders, heights=spiders, social situations=spiders, US elections=just a bunch more spiders.
Thanks booknerds, and remember the only reason spiders haven’t killed you yet is to prolong the torture.