Green Onion Does Fashion… Again

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About a year ago, I was blown away when Nordstrom decided to release a pair of muddy jeans.  These pants meant to emulate dirty pants that have been beaten to shit were ridiculously priced at $425 USD!  The outrageousness of it all inspired me to make some bold fashion predictions, mostly involving nobody giving a care about wearing clean clothing.  Well, a total of zero (0) of my fashion guesses came true. Thinking I was ahead of the curve, I wasted a whole year wearing unwashed gear.

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I am only 12.31% upset that nobody hopped on my fashion trend. If everyone wants to put all of that effort into wearing clean clothes then that’s fine, I’ll adjust to you.

Therefore, I have put in the research.  I kept my eye on all the trends out there, what all the hippiest hip people are showing off.  I still don’t get it.  In fact, I am way more confused.

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I am not even sure how this is physically possible?

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The muddy jeans were only the beginning of a strange denim trend. Jeans have been an integral piece of clothing all over the world.  Basic, comfortable, and durable.  Of course, the fancy fashion designers out there are saying “no,” and take it upon themselves to mess with a good thing.  Before I get too deep into this, let me say, I understand the worn-out knees look.  It is in-line with my previous attempts at not having to worry about taking care of your clothes.  You want holes in your pants; you rock it.  But, then they went too far…

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I am not sure if there is any practical application for these pants besides the fact that those pockets look pretty pocket-y.  Washing these pants would be a nightmare- I can visualize them knotting around a bedsheet in the dryer right now.  Apparently, instead of wearing sturdy denim that adds a layer of protection and warmth to your legs, the new goal is to wear the absolute minimum amount of fabric.

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Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you can make it look like you are wearing two pairs of jeans at the same time.

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Anyways, as you can see jeans are way more complicated than they should be.  I gave up on the traditional pants and started looking into what other options are out there.  What I found is, well, men’s fashion does not seem to be going well.

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Knowing better, I looked to celebrities.  Famous actors, actresses, musicians, they are all in the spotlight and have guided fashion trends for decades.  The unrealistic body expectations thing is bologna; these are the icons of our generation.  Unfortunately, things were worse than I had expected, and I was quickly turned off of mimicking celebs.

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You cannot tell me that fashion isn’t confusing.  Every time I think I have it all figured out, I don’t. Is this what style is?  A confusing mush-mish of whatever.  Do designers just come up with the most random things they can think of, throw it at the wall, and wait to see what sticks?  And then this weekend’s Met Gala happened…

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What is happening!?!  Although even I need to admit, that girl from Spider-Man: Homecoming looked kick-ass.

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Besides that, the outfits from the Met Gala costume party really threw me for a loop.  I need to put an end to my fashion research before I begin lose it…

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Before I threw in the towel, however.  I did discover a few growing trends that I can get behind.  So, once again I will be making some predictions on fashion, and you can feel free to wear your regular human clothing, or you can join me in the future.


Wear Your Own Face

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This is the plan: we are all going to print pictures of our own faces onto t-shirts and sweaters, and we are going to wear them proudly. It is a lot like real-world social media, except we will be wearing our profile pics out in public.  This is super brilliant.  First, you will be able to spot somebody you recognize from down the block.  But, let’s say, that person doesn’t remember you, oh wait, you are wearing your Twitter avatar on your shirt!  Instantly, they can recall some of your best tweets and that time that you retweeted their ‘lost dog’ post.


Those Animal Onesie Things

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I am all for everybody wearing one-piece outfits that disguise us as animals.  It is kind of like wearing fur, but a lot more Earth-friendly.  I think it would be amazing if everybody went outside dressed as a Muppet.  It has been a life-long dream of mine to run into a Muppet in public and have it be completely normal.  Just like you see average people treat the Muppets like regular citizens in the movies. Could I get one that makes me look like a walking talking green onion?

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On Fleek

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Okay, honestly, I had no idea what the term ‘on fleek’ meant until the other afternoon when I Googled it (Google is an internet search engine). From what I understand to be ‘on fleek’ is to have your eyebrow game ‘on point’.  Or, for regular people talk: your eyebrows look nice.  While it can be entertaining to watch women fuss over their eye-wigs, I figure we can skip a few steps.  I believe to be genuinely “on fleek” you should get rid of the furry caterpillars you call eyebrows and shave them to literally say the word “fleek.”

1525888007449.jpg And, bam, I win fashion.


Cosplay

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With the rise of nerd culture and the dominance of superhero films in the box office, it is time for us to give in and just become our favourite iconic characters.  In practice, this method works, comic book conventions all over the continent see thousands of people dressing up as everything from a smurf to Thor.  Apply that concept to everyday life, and suddenly you are working your day job beside a Power Ranger and a Pokemon.  What a world it would be.


Why Bother with Pants at All?

To bring this back full circle.  I can’t shake the idea of those jeans that are nothing but strings of fabric and some pockets.  And, see-through pants, what even is that?  So, I question, at this point in the game, why are women even bothering with pants? Between short-shorts and yoga pants, the next evolutionary step would undoubtedly be for women to for-go pants in general.  You might get pretty chilly, but people in fashion do not seem to care about practicality one bit.  If pockets are the issue, I am sure we can get some underwear made that has a few areas to store your phone and wallet and stuff.


 

I think I should stop while I am ahead.  If I make too many bold predictions things are going to get extremely left field.  I hope we all learned something, and we can begin to prepare for the future of clothing. Remember, fashion is all about finding something that is aesthetically pleasing, can be worn in a practical setting, and paying attention to what the general population is demanding; then doing the complete opposite of that.

 

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Zezee says:

    Lol! Yup! High fashion is confusing to me too.
    I actually have an animal onesie of a unicorn that my sis got me for Christmas. I’ll never wear it so that was a total waste of money.
    Btw, I actually love the chain-mail dress from the MET gala. lol!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Laura Beth says:

    This whole post made me laugh out loud, so much. Thank you!

    Like

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