This is going to get messy.
Welcome back to the Sunday Mise en Place where I get to talk about whatever I feel like. I am surprised all of the time by who, and how many people actually read these weekly ramblings. You guys are awesome. Well, today is definitely a rambling, and it was written mostly for myself, but it is what it is, and I am comfortable with sharing how I am feeling, even on the hard days. So, what’s going on?
What’s Going On-
I miss my daughter.
I miss her so much. For those of you who don’t know little Alex, my Ally-cat, is not my biological daughter, I had met her when she was just one-year-old. I knew from one afternoon with the girl that she was special. In fact, I fell in love with her. I was never shy to say that I fell in love with Alex before I loved her mom.
I loved my family. If there is anything that makes me happy it is being with my family. I did whatever I could to make sure I was there for them, I did whatever any of them needed at any time, because I wanted to showed them I cared every day. Every day I did my best to make things as positive around the home as possible. For the longest time I was so scared just to keep them all safe, but that’s another story entirely. I tried so hard to make my life work around the people I loved, all I wanted to do was be there for them. And, I’m not a perfect man, but what I truly wanted more than anything was to be the perfect family man.
Alex means the world to me. I met this little baby who couldn’t talk, could barely walk, could barely do much at all and I invested myself in her. I was there everyday of her life to the point, today, where she is the most talkative, outgoing, confident little firecracker you will ever meet. I am certain that she is bound to be a star – mark my words. Sure her outgoing and powerful personality could push my frustration, but that’s parenting and we couldn’t be closer. We talked everyday. I taught her everyday. I would sit with her and explain anything from coconuts to the value of friendship. I challenged myself to be the best father I could everyday. No one is ever going to love her in the same way that I do.
I hurt everyday. And, some days I try to be tough. Most the time I try to distract myself. But, I should hurt. I don’t think anything could hurt more than this. I am a sucker for love. I love in this huge fucking way, nothing is more valuable to me, and it is kind of what makes me special. Being a father and a loving partner meant the world to me. Fuck, I started this whole fucking Mise en Place just so I could talk about my family and how proud I was. And its just gone, like that, half my family just slipped through my fingers. And not because I did something horrible, not because I am a bad person, but because I just wanted to make myself a life I could be happy with without sacrificing a moment to be there when they needed me. Like, trying to be this perfect family man meant that my priorities always came fourth, which was ultimately my downfall. Ironic. So, what am I left with? My love is still there, that big fucking love. What’s left for me to do, but hurt?
I am grateful that I can still see Alex every other weekend. It’s great we can spend some time together, but I’m scared. I was there for her everyday and now, well what am I? What place do I hold in her life? This girl and I were so close, we shared all of the inside jokes to the point that Jenn and Zyler were just bystanders to our humour. I have been reading with her everyday sharing my love for stories, just to miss this valuable year where she is going to learn how to read. I have been through it all with her, the good, the bad, the hard, the fun, the lessons I taught her, the lessons she taught me, and now I can’t even see her on her 5th birthday next week.
I miss my daughter, and I miss my family.
But, I’ll pick myself up here. Savour my time with my son, keep him safe and happy. We’ll play our games, go for a hike, I’ll answer his million questions about life because he just can’t wait to grow up, and I’ll tuck him in at night. But, then, I need to hurt. Because when you love as big as I do, when you put so much of yourself into your family, losing them is the worse thing that could ever happen. All that love is the pain now, and the pain is the love. I guess, it still feels good to care, even when it hurts this bad.
Yeah, that’s probably good for today.
Thanks y’all. Don’t @ me.