New month, new mindset.
Have you ever felt like you have been stuck in old patterns and it is holding you back from being the person you want to be? I have, I feel like I have been sucked into a vortex of stagnant behaviour for years. I have allowed my life to pass me by. While some people are afraid of the future, my mind has been stuck in the past. I lived for years in an abusive relationship that put me in a victim mentality. Five years later I am still haunted by those demons, in my mind and reality. Living in that fear has caused damage to the life I should be living on so many levels that it hurts to think about. But, that is precisely the pattern that needs to change.
It is time to regain focus.
I can’t help but feel like my life is at a rock bottom. I am back living at my parent’s house, I have been dealing with family court situations for years, I lost an exceptional person in my life because I couldn’t pull out of it and it felt like life has fallen apart in front of my eyes.
This has left me with a choice over the last couple of months. I could play the victim, fall into depression and allow everything just to get worse. Or, I could pick myself up, make the best of what I have, and pull my life together. And, while heartbreak is a harrowing situation, I couldn’t let it defeat me. I was scared and disappointed, but I still had to wake up every day and deal with the now.
I can no longer be the old me.
As I began to put away old habits of distracting myself something amazing happened. I realized everything is going to be okay. I began getting messages from the universe. It started with noticing how specific ideas or topics kept presenting themselves in text, conversations, or in the most random of spots. So, I listened more. Suddenly, things like astrology, tarot, numerology, all became very relevant to my life and situations. I was awakening. And no longer would fear and disappointment dictate how I would live, I was regaining control.
But, – and, this is a big ol’ “but” – it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, this is the journey that we are all here for, it’s called life. Life is full of so many lessons, and you never know what is around the corner. There is still so much to learn, so much life to live. My world will not be the same in a year, different situations are going to come up in a month from now, every day is going to look different from the last. It will not always be easy, but I am happy to be growing. There is only one thing I can do that will help me through it all: being authentic to myself.
It is time to define who I am.
Being authentic also means being transparent. And, while I struggled with how over the last month or so, it has been necessary to me that I share my journey through my words. I have been lucky to have established my blog, and I have a network of friends that are willing to read whatever ramblings I publish. But, more importantly, I love to write. I love sharing my ideas, my successes, my failures, and my mind. I owe it to myself mostly, to allow my heart to dictate what comes out. So, whoever resonates with what I can share, I’m happy to have you on the path.
Last month, I struggled through the blogging process – well, the whole writing process, but whatever. My weekly Mise en Place was pure gibberish as I tried to express my ideas. I had a lot of processing to do. September had its own theme, its own message from the universe, ‘put away old baggage to make room for new growth’. It helped, a lot, and as the month ran through, I faced many old emotions that no longer served me. I visualized putting them in a box and watching that shit burn. And, if you happened to catch the latest Mise en Place, I feel like I accomplished a lot of clearing house, but there was still a mess to take care of. I got a new message from the universe this weekend that was entirely fitting:
Clean it up.
I mentioned that my life feels like it has hit rock bottom. Well, that also presents itself with opportunity. I am now more aware, I am now acknowledging the things that hold me back, I am reshaping the way I look at myself. Now, that I have cleared out most of the clutter from my mind, I can reorganize. I can build a new house in my head that isn’t falling apart. I can move forward keeping in mind the things that are important to me now.
Taking this mindset into the new month helped me to realize that I can take a new approach with everything in my life. I can only grow from here. I can become the person that I want to be and be done with old patterns that damaged my life. Which leads me to the message, the intentions, for October 2018.
And let me tell you it has not gone exactly the way I thought it would. Yesterday, the first day of October, the first day of this new intention, and my morning was a mess. We realized that my daughter had no school and so she was with me for the day, which caused me to be late dropping my son off at school, as I was trapped in traffic with a gas tank running low. I had slipped on a patch of ice when I got home, which caused my keys to open my car’s trunk, which then would not close properly. A couple of my work clients had issues, and my mind was so distracted I didn’t know how to solve them. Everything was going wrong, and it was only 9am.
Instead of writing the whole day off, as an older version of me would have, I faced the issues straight on. I got my son to school, I got my gas tank filled, I settled my daughter in with projects for the morning, I fixed my trunk, I threw gravel on the patch of ice, and I made sure that my clients were happy. By noon, all of these problems that had caused my morning to be so difficult were solved, and I had a wonderful rest of my day. Those five hours had become a metaphor for my life. Everything may feel like it has been working against me, and it all feels really messy, but all I can do is face that next hour and put things back together.
Today, I woke up to an obscene amount of snow – I mean a ridiculous, “what the hell is this”, what happened to my autumn, amount of snow. And, it’s awful, there was so much shovelling, I had to scour the house for my son’s snow pants, I had to push two cars out of the ice, but it’s only as bad as I let it be. When I stopped to look at it all, it’s beautiful. My world looks fresh and clean. A new month has started, a new season has come, and with that, I can bring a new me.