Warning: The contents within this post are graphic in nature and should not be read by socks or any other fabrics made of a cotton-polyester blend. Thank you.
Please be cautious when doing your laundry, folks. There is a threat that is causing serious damage to the way we live and it all begins in the washing machine. What I am about to speak upon is a topic that not many are aware of. It is possible that this information has been hidden from you by a group of the elite and wealthy in an attempt to keep you spending your hard earned money on socks.
You may shrug this off as misinformation, or myth, however, the threat is real. If you continue reading with an open mind you will realize that what I speak is the truth.
I am, of course, talking about Sock Golems.
Stick with me here.
We have all discovered upon our laundry routines the random pebbles that manage to find their way into the washing machine and dryer. Parents of children 3 to 12 are even more susceptible to such rogue rocks. But, what most of us are unaware of is the risk that these stones present.
The highest risk comes from granite pebbles with a presence of quartz. The chemical compound of these rocks specifically has an uncanny reaction in a washing machine. The addition of soap and centripetal force cause a chemical change to the granite-quartz pebbles. The results are a minute sense of consciousness developing within the stones themselves. Basically, all that water, soap, and spinny-action make this specific compound of these stones to come to life.
Sounds kinda cool, right? Wrong, oh so very wrong. These creatures have one goal in their short lives, the destruction of socks. Thus the term sock golem.
No, the sock golem is not the creature responsible for random missing socks. That phenomenon is probably due to aliens collecting foot DNA to better understand Earth’s gravity.
Rather, a sock golem does not have the ability to consume a full-sized sock. Instead, they will focus on damaging all socks in their presence. Any socks within a washing machine at the same time as a sock golem are at risk. The living stone will shoot itself around the mixing clothing and propel through any socks. This causes small holes within each attacked sock, usually located near the heel or toe.
A sock golem can hide it’s location after a complete washing machine cycle to await another load. An individual sock golem can survive for as many as 4 to 5 washes, sometimes more, before being discovered. If one finds its way to a dryer things get worse. The additional heat and centripetal force cause a sock golem to become extra irritated with socks and cause even more damage.
And that, my friends, is how 90% of my socks end up with holes in them at the exact same time. It has nothing to do with how I wear them out, walk excessively, or the fact I probably need new shoes. It’s all the sock golems fault.
As I mentioned, the elite 1% don’t want you to know about sock golems so that they can continue to produce large quantities of socks. However, there are a few preventitive methods in which you can protect yourself from sock golems:
- A thorough inspection of the washing machine after each load will help you to locate any dormant golems.
- In a first load keep all of your nice socks separate and only include distraction socks. Inspect these test socks for holes to know if there is a sock golem present.
- Burning sage can be useful against the negative energy. Smudge your washing machine and dryer and repeat “I rid all sock hating energy from within my laundry receptacles.”
- A lucky penny may counteract the chemical reaction that brings a sock golem to life. Be sure it is an old penny made of copper and add it to all of your laundry.
- Try dipping your socks in wax before each wash… No wait, that’s a terrible idea.
Stay aware and protected everyone. Good luck and may all your socks be protected.