Recently I made a discovery that shocked the world. After breaking the lid open on the Sock Golems phenomenon last week, CNN, BBC, CBC, and even President Lex Luthor all did not make mention of them, but I am sure they were thinking about it. There were no reports of mass hysteria because it probably happened behind closed doors.
For a little context, sock golems are creatures that come to life in washing machines with a vendetta against socks. You can read the whole article here, but basically, sock golems are a composite of granite and quartz that react to laundry detergent and centripetal forces by coming to life. The goal of these creatures is to destroy any socks in their vicinity during a washing cycle.
However, since I made this fantastic discovery of living pebbles within our laundry, I have done some further research. I found that sock golems are more prominent in the winter. This is due to the fact that people tend not to wear as many socks in the summer. In winter, people will wear more socks, thicker socks, and uglier socks, which all assists in fueling the sock golems hunger.
At first, I thought this was a breakthrough in my studies. Instead of trying to eliminate sock golems by avoiding any stones from making it into the washing machine, we could omit the socks, and therefore, the golems would have nothing to feed on. So, I dug a little deeper.
It turns out that there are some groups that are working towards the elimination of socks in the washing machine. There are sock subscription services that will supply you with enough socks that they become disposable, and there are insoles for shoes that replace the need for socks entirely. Without previous knowledge about sock golems, my best guess is that these groups are working towards the elimination of socks so that aliens cannot study our foot DNA any further.
Then I came to a realization. Sock golems are living creatures. Sure, we may have accidentally stumbled upon creating them due to the invention of washing machines and laundry detergent, but they are still here. This puts humanity in a bit of a dilemma. Can we play god with these creatures? Yes, we brought them into the world, but does that make it our right to bring upon their extinction? Sure, their constant attack on my socks is annoying, but there are a lot of annoying creatures, like teenage YouTubers.
My attitude towards the sock golems completely turned around after that. I regret my previous comments about eliminating these small beings. Any living spirit should be treated with the same rights that we have. We must protect the sock golems from extinction.
Thus I call upon you my brothers and sisters! Save the sock golems! Wash as many socks as you can. Wear extra socks. Wear socks in the summertime, even if your feet get super sweaty and gross. The socks must be washed so the golems can feed!
Damn the man! Save the sock golems!