How to Cook Sock Golems (Recipe Included)

A few weeks ago I made the astounding discovery of how my socks all seem to gain holes in the same spots at the same time. The answer was a biological breakthrough. Tiny pebbles with a compound of mostly granite and quartz have been synthesizing with laundry detergent to create conscious beings with a determination of rendering all socks useless. I gave these rock creatures the appropriate title of Sock Golems. You can read more about my discovery and the risks involved with sock golems in this original post shared here.

While my frustration with the little beasts destroying all of my favourite foot coziers grew, I decided to continue with further research. What I found was that, while sock golems are not well known about, they were at a risk of extinction. In our modern world of disposable everything, the favoured food of these creatures was also being minimalized. With subscription sock services and brands like Walmart offering socks for dimes per piece, people have been washing socks less and less. And thus, sock golems were ultimately being phased out of existence. You can read more about how to support the sock golems in this post shared here.

Well, devoting my last few weeks to breaking sock golem research has lead to yet another breakthrough. While testing the compounds and alternative methods for artificially creating sock golems I happened upon the discovery that the little dudes are edible. In fact, they can be quite full of savoury and sodium-rich flavour. Thankfully, I have another skill beyond researching creatures that nobody cares about and writing nonsense blog posts for my own enjoyment. I also happen to be a classically trained chef. From there, my research dove into the culinary opportunities that this new ingredient may offer to the world.

Today I am going to share an original recipe of my own creation featuring the unique flavours sock golems. However, first, we must discuss harvesting the small creatures that appear scarcely in the wild. See, naturally, only one or two sock golems will materialize in your washing machine per week, or month, depending on how often you do laundry, and how many small children you have to wash for that like to collect rocks in their pockets. Unfortunately, the habitat of the washing machine is incapable of producing more than a cup of unawakened sock golems at a time without causing severe damage to your appliances.

I have come up with a method for farming sock golems in a mock environment. You need the following equipment and to complete each step meticulously to produce enough living sock golems for the proceeding recipe.

1L Granite Pebbles with Presence of Quartz (ranging in size from 5 to 12mm)

1 Sealable 10 Gallon Bucket

1 Colander

8 Gallons of Water

7 to 11 Socks (Undamaged)

1Cup of Preferred Laundry Detergent

1 Really Big Hill

  1. Pour pebbles into the bottom of the bucket.
  2. Mix in the water, socks, and laundry detergent.
  3. Seal the bucket tightly so that the water will not escape.
  4. Stand at top of the hill and tip the bucket sideways so that it is laying lengthwise toward the decline.
  5. Push the bucket down the hill and allow it to roll to completion.
  6. Complete the following step continuously for about 12 minutes.
  7. You may now open the bucket and inspect the socks. If the socks appear undamaged, continue steps 3 through 6.
  8. Remove all present socks and strain the rest of the mixture through the colander. Dispose of the liquid and keep the sock golems in a warm spot until ready to use.

Now that you have a litre of conscious sock golems to work with it is time to prepare your recipe. I should warn you, that despite sock golems being tasty, they still have the consistency and texture of rocks. Therefore, sock golems cannot be consumed as they are unless you enjoy broken teeth and shitting rocks. As an alternative, I have created the following recipe to extract as much flavour from the creatures as possible. Enjoy.

Sock Golem Consomme

Preparation Time: ~3hrs

Yield: 6 portions

1L Sock Golems

Cold Water

1 Yellow Onion (Roughly Chopped)

1 Large Carrot (Roughly Chopped)

3 Sticks of Celery (Roughly Chopped)

6 Garlic Cloves

A handful of Fresh Tarragon

A handful of Fresh Parsley

2 Bay Leaves

3 Large Egg Whites

Salt and Pepper

  1. In a large saucepan place the sock golems, onion, carrot, celery, garlic, and herbs.
  2. Cover with cold water and heat to boiling.
  3. Bring temperature down and allow to simmer for 2 hours. Ingredients should stay submerged at all times, so add more water if necessary.
  4. Strain the stock through a large colander. Discard everything but the sock golems which can be brought back to life at a later date.
  5. Put the liquid stock back in the pan and bring back to a boil. Allow the stock to reduce by about a quarter.
  6. Allow the liquid to cool in the refrigerator.
  7. Skim any fat from the surface.
  8. Add egg whites to the mixture and whisk thoroughly.
  9. Bring the liquid back up to a boil while whisking continuously.
  10. Allow the liquid to gently simmer without stirring for about 15 minutes until egg whites have formed a crust on top.
  11. Remove a large enough hole in the crust to fit your ladle through.
  12. Ladle the liquid from under the crust and strain through a sieve and/or cheesecloth.
  13. Return the liquid to heat and serve warm.
  14. Enjoy your sock golem consommé a.k.a. rock soup a.k.a. rockin’ sockin broth.
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